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Saturday, April 10, 2010

Why?

I am going to be ranting in this post, if you are going to make any harsh comments about this post, I suggest you keep it to yourself. I'm not in the mood to take criticism right now.

Why has my life been nothing but a struggle?

Why am I ugly?

Why am I fat, no matter what I do to lose the weight?

Why can't good things happen to me?

Why is it when something good does happen to me, it's short-lived?

Why was I never popular?

Why is my social security income taking forever, yet others get theirs within months?

Why does God hate me so much?

Why doesn't God say yes to at least one of my prayers?

Why can't I be financially stable for once in my life?

Why do I have Fibromyalgia?

Why can't one of my Doctors give me pain meds, just so I can feel somewhat normal and pain-free for once in my life?

Why do I alienate myself from my friends, yet I know I am going to be incredibly lonely?

Why can't I have a more understanding husband?

Why is it that I want to end my life, yet I am scared of dying young?

Why do I feel like the way I do?

Why do I feel like if I died that nobody would show up to my funeral?

Why do I feel constantly ignored?

Why do I feel that my entire life thus far has been cursed?

Why do I feel that I am never going to be happy?

Why do people who don't deserve the good things they receive, get it. Yet those who do deserve good things don't?

Why do I feel that nobody loves me?

Why is everything about me average or below average?

Why am I well aware that there are people in worse shape than I, but I still believe I have been dealt the worst hand in life anyway?

Why do people break their promises to me?

Why don't I have a talent or gift like everyone else?

Why did I get married to someone who I wasn't compatible with?

Why can't my husband be a little more understanding of me?

Why am I here?

All I have are questions and no answers. I have had enough. I am sick and tired of being me.

Why don't I do something about it you ask? Why should I, when nothing ever ends up in a good way.

So here I sit in pain wondering why.....

4 comments:

Astaryth said...

I think we all go thru periods like this. I had one myself back in the early 90's. I won't go into details because it's a long story (an a long list of horrible things that happened in a span of about 3 years, one right after another). When I was about to give up I happened upon an article somewhere.. I don't remember where.. that stated that our lives go thru cycles. Usually considered to be 7 year cycles, but cycles none the less. And, the article was right. Eventually things started to go my way again. First only a little, but eventually good things started to happen and I found myself happy again. BUT, now when I am happy, I remember that this is a high spot in my cycle and that I need to enjoy it and be aware that it is fleeting and can disappear and I need to celebrate it while I have it. I ALSO remember when things are horrible that this too won't last and that I have to look forward to things getting better again. The only thing certain about life is that it is uncertain.

I know you probably don't want to hear it, but I am going to leave you with one of my favorite sayings, "This too shall pass"

Hang in there. You ARE a good person and you will get thru this dark time.

Oh, and you would be missed, I would miss you.

newjerseymemories said...

Antonette:

You are a very smart and creative person. Just looking at your blogs convinces me of that. You are a terrific writer, your photos are gorgeous, and even though you are in constant pain you are giving us a gift with your blogs and photography. Anyone who loves animals as much as you do is obviously a thoughtful, caring person. You are most definitely NOT ugly. You ARE much too hard on yourself. I get that way, too, sometimes. I've struggled my whole life, and the last few years have been very, very difficult, but I have refused to give up. Even though there are some difficult times ahead for me, I will not give up. Neither should you. Please don't think of ending your life. You have so much to give to the world. Please tell your doctors how you feel. Maybe they can help you. I wish you had a contact link on your site. If you want to contact me through my blog, please feel free to do so. You are NOT alone.

Juni said...

I just stumbled on to your blog (fellow jersey girl) -- and i enjoy what you have to write.

I have had days/weeks/months when I've felt the same way -- No explanation,and it's not like I get answers to all my questions ever, something just happens and I stop thinking about it --

It seems you have a good support team via the 2 comments above :)

Elizabeth said...

I don't know if this will help you or seem strange to you, but here goes: I had surgery quite a few years ago, and due to a miscommunication I was given no pain meds at all upon awakening, none the rest of that day and none that night. As I lay awake, I remembered how we'd been studying Haiti at church, and I thought of the suffering there (long before the earthquake). A profound thought came to me: Am I superior to those people? Why should they suffer and I not suffer? Do I really DESERVE to be comfortable all the time? Strange questions perhaps, but strangely liberating, too. Please visit my blog if you wish. Its tone is light, but you may find some humour and inspiration there. And thank you for what you are sharing with us on yours.