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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

How to drive in New Jersey

1. You must first learn to pronounce Newark. It is New-erk, not New-ark. (Actually, it's pronounced 'NORK'.)
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> 2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
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> 3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the Garden State Parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered 'Wussy.'
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> 4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Monmouth County, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
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> 5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
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> 6. Never honk at anyone. EVER. It's another offense that can get you shot.
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> 7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
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> 8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items.
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> 9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do. And all the Turnpike EZ pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.
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> 10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'
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> 11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
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> 12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
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> Follow these simple tips and you should make it through the day alive in New Jersey.

1 comments:

People in the Sun said...

I love number 11. You see those people driving on the left lane on the Turnpike, and all you can say is "Frickin' tourists!"

And then you flip them.