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Saturday, April 01, 2006

Rantings from a mental case

I guess you have noticed that my blog entries have been lackluster at best. The only excuse I have to give is that I've been in a slump in every way possible.

I haven't been the happiest person lately. It has nothing to do with my marriage, financial status or even the weather. Truth be told, I am clinically depressed and have been this way ever since my car accident in 2000. I've weaned myself off of celexia and have been dealing with "it" on my own. I thought I was doing alright, but it seems my depression has caught up with me. I do not like this feeling.

I believe this bout of depression is because I am very unhappy with myself. I've been working on my physical appearance since last June and I am not happy with the results thus far. I've counted calories, started to weight lift (mainly my fat ass arms), taking vitamins and walking. I've lost 30 lbs. That is all. I even had my thyroid tested to see if that could be the culprit, however my thyroid is fine. I've tried OTC diet aids such has Leptopril, Relacore, an internal flush (don't ask), grapefruit and apple cider vinegar pills and still nothing.

I begged my Doctor for diet pills and she won't give them to me because I'm not over eating and the pill stops you from over eating. The doctor said I'm the way I am because it's in my genes. She had no other explanation because I'm doing everything to lose weight and doing it the right way. Well doesn't that freakin suck.

I look at myself in the mirror and see nothing but ugliness. I need a tummy tuck, a boob lift, eye lift, hell a whole face lift would work for me, I need tons of crap sucked out of me and maybe then I'd look halfway decent.

Yep, I know I am a mental case. Trust me I am well aware that my elevator doesn't always go to the top floor. At least I can admit to it.

Well, I'm going to take my miserable, fat, ugly, depressed, ass to bed. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow morning and be a size 8. Fat chance.


Laura said...

Hey girl, I'm sorry you are feelin' low. Lest you know that you are not alone... I definately have been in that spot and despite all my efforts sometimes I cannot look in the mirror. Especially now in life. We should get together sometime! I'll bet your part of NJ is nicer than mine! :-) Laura

Astaryth said...

I think we all feel that way about ourselves to some extent, I know I'm not happy with my physical appearance right now either. But, what can we do? We just have to exercise, eat right, and accept ourselves as we are.

{{{{{Hugs}}}}} Hope you are feeling better soon.

Teeisme57 said...

Hey, Sorry you're feeling low.I also lost 30 lbs. last year through no effort on my part. (depression and muscle lose)You'd think I'd be happy right? No. I guess we never really like our bodies. How come men don't care about this crap!

Charles said...

Antonette, you are Not ugly! I am sorry that you are not happy with your weight. I feel like I am fat too (I care about my weight) I am sorry that your are feeling down. I hope that things get better for you soon. There is a quote from my favorite singer Amel Larrieuxs song "Keep Tryin'". Lift Your head up to the sky and keep tryin', believe in you and it will take you higher.

Don't let the world get you down. Fight your sorrow!